Some days I need a big ole attitude adjustment! I am a hot mix of emotions! This MS crap and caregiving definitely puts everything through the ringer! I don’t like feeling out of control with what’s coming up, but sometimes, I am. I lash out in anger one moment, tears the next. Depression is real! Even the best meds can’t fight it off at times.
But…I’m not alone with all these crazy thoughts and feelings. In my care givers group, there are many of us experiencing the same things. It feels so good to have others that understand the emotions. The lack of control. The same experiences with our MSer’s. It’s helped in moments where I feel so incredibly lost. My tears come as I read similar posts, encouraging me to just keep going. For everyone to keep going. It’s comforting.
I have some great friends and family who have given me a lot of comfort. Some have definitely pulled away, and I can’t say I blame them. And I have pulled away from some as well. Right now, it’s been really important for me to be around positive and uplifting people. Even in my darkness I can still find laughter and smiles in me! It’s important to have as much positivity in my life. It’s not that everyone has to be ridiculously and falsely happy, but laughter and love is imperative! Creating as many healthy relationships as possible and surrounding myself in those? Imperative. I am an empath. An emotional sponge. I take on the emotions of those around me in a split second. Which has forced me to lay down my boundaries.
Today was a hard day. My parents washing machine and dishwasher both broke on me, we had lots of accidents and I have had to do a ton of cleaning! But after listening to a sermon from my church, I decided I need to get out the gratitude journal and concentrate on all the blessings in my life. Something that is really hard during times like this, but completely something I need to do. Having my cousin and his wife here spoiled me! They are blessing number one that I think of today. I have a million more blessings but that’s a really big one! The memories we all made together, and the laughter shared is something that I will hold onto forever. They also provided my mom a lot of laughter and smiles as well. They gave her a sense of pride, which I know she rarely feels.
Tonight she had an episode where she was incredibly frustrated. Those moments happen a lot. And it’s really hard to talk her off the ledge. She becomes very focused on trying to get out a thought that is stuck in her head and when she can’t get it out, she becomes very agitated. It’s tough to watch and even more tough to try to change her focus. Tonight, I was able to do that. And make her laugh! I gave her banana bread and threatened to take it away if she didn’t talk to me. I went in for the banana bread and she quickly pulled it away from me, cracking up laughing. Little bitch was enjoying being…well, a bitch!
My dad and I have learned how important it is to have moments like these. Not only for our own sanity, but also to keep her morale up. I also believe that when she is gone, we will always remember the beauty we shared in these tough moments. You gotta take your wins where you can. That’s a fact with this horrible disease.
Living in the moment isn’t always about rainbows, butterfly’s and Skittles. Living in the moment isn’t always about big adventures and huge actions. Living in the moment is about taking advantage of every second we get with our loved ones. Even when it’s incredibly hard. Even in the moments that we don’t want to be a part of (cleaning up accidents). Living in the moment is about helping someone else to find joy, to feel love and to keep moving, even when they don’t think they will feel those things ever again. Life is beautiful. Especially when you look for it even in the darkest of times. Find your beauty.